September 23rd, 2019
I have lost track of the days since I took several days away from this blog. All I know is that I am now 2 weeks and 3 days into this new life. This new way of living. This new experience. This new adventure.
Last week was a roller coaster as I experienced some very wonderful things but also finalized my divorce. 20 years with someone, done in one decision. In all reality though...we hadn't truly loved each other for many - MANY - years. I really didn't want to blog about this which is why I didn't feel the desire to blog - or even post much - over the past week. Instead, I chose to process it quietly and - of course - go celebrate my new life.
I have been thinking about the harvest...since I am currently parked at a friend's farm that's no big surprise. Every single day you are planting seeds. You are planting seeds in your own mind, in your business, in your life. EVERY SINGLE DAY you have the choice to plant a seed that is going to be a beneficial harvest for you - or a seed that is going to poison you...IT IS YOUR CHOICE. So, I am challenging myself, and each of you, to look at the seeds you're planting and really think about what the outcome will be.
Sure, I really wanted to be vengeful and plant seeds that would harm my ex...I was angry - and rightfully so according to everyone who knew what had happened. But, looking down the road, I couldn't see what GOOD would come of those seeds. So, I processed the anger and released it as best as I could at the time ... which planted the seed that when anger returns, I can deal with it in a different way. In my anger, I chipped a knuckle from punching a wall. Yep. I punched a wall. Not the wisest decision...and now I have pain in that knuckle anytime I catch it on something...but at the time - there was so much rage I just lashed out. I had spent YEARS bottling up my emotions. Never really fully releasing anything - so it was in that moment of discovery that my spouse was not the man I thought he was and I had been fooled that all of the pent up anger exploded. As I write this, I look at the walls in my trailer and tell myself "no more punching walls" but I never thought I was a wall puncher anyway. As a friend said to me yesterday as we returned from Trinity Hot Springs "some people just can't control themselves when they get angry." I had seen it happen in other people, never myself...until July of 2018 - then again in April of 2019. Yeah...didn't learn my lesson after the first wall...and realized I hadn't processed a lot of the anger from 2018.
I am hopeful that I have released it. I recently had a conversation with a total stranger about the emotional abuse I had suffered in a previous relationship. He asked me "are you over that? Have you truly released it?" I couldn't answer the question. I wasn't sure if I had. I thought I had...but when I look at the marriage that just dissolved, I know I was not 100% emotionally supportive. So I sit and think about all the failed relationships. Looking back at the lessons I was meant to learn. Discovering where I have not released pain and releasing it. It has been an interesting week since that conversation.
It has also been a wonderful week. Wonderful because, for the first time in my life, I got to hang out with someone who made me feel like I was the most important person on the planet. No distractions from other people, just the two of us...completely enjoying the moment. Completely enjoying each other's company. It was truly beautiful. Truly magical. I have never experienced that feeling before. So, I focused completely on the moment (which is why I have been so quiet lately...I've been in the moment).
None of us know what the future will bring. What I can tell you is, if you give your all - every ounce of your attention - to THIS moment and plant the seeds that are going to be a benefit to your future, you will enjoy this life. You will truly live because you are here, NOW. This past week I stayed in the now...I went to concerts, I danced to some amazing music, I got away to the mountains, I loved and lived COMPLETELY IN THE MOMENT. My friends, nothing really matters except this moment, right now. So stop worrying about what tomorrow will bring, do what your future self will thank you for, plant the seed and then let it grow. Have a beautiful day! I truly do love you all!
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I had a dream that I was traveling all over the world. In less than 6 months, I sold almost everything I own...bought a Toy Hauler (the "garage" is my art studio) and am now living wherever, whenever...just me, my art, and my cats.