October 21st, 2019
Now I Know...
Today I lost touch with someone important to me... I don't know what happened but it gave me a ton of time to think. I actually drove most of the day in silent contemplation. I shed some tears... now I am comfortably numb.
The first "now I know" is actually kind of funny...
Yesterday I thought, "I AM going to stay in Nashville a few more days." So I searched Nashville campgrounds.
Only one had a space big enough for me so I booked it...
in Nashville INDIANA
OMG. At first I was going to cancel and eat the cancellation fee. Then I did more research on the town and saw that there's an artist colony here. Perhaps it wasn't a mistake. So, I am still in Nashville... just the little one (according to the owners). 🤣 Now I know to pay closer attention to the address.
Now I know that I am not really as good as I thought at being alone. Not hearing from someone who's been keeping me company every day really hit me today. I am not good at being alone. But, the truth is, the past 12 days have been good for me. I've connected deeper with my soul, I'm beginning to understand the spiritual gifts I have been given, I am trusting the messages I receive. But, I've learned that I don't fully trust myself... my human self. His silence made me question myself- and other humans (especially men😑). SO, thank you for the gift of today's silence. Now I know that I must work on trust. Because I won't fully be able to embrace, and share, my gifts if I don't trust ME.
Now I know I can love again. I opened my heart, even if it doesn't go further, I found a man who showed me that there ARE men who will treat me right. I miss him so much. My heart aches. But I couldn't ignore this journey. Ignoring the prompts of my higher self (of the Universe, God, the Divine, Gaia, WHATEVER you want to call it) is not an option anymore. So even though it breaks my heart to be alone, it is what I was destined to do. To go on this journey, follow a really random path alone. Not alone forever, but definitely in this time of awakening.
Now I know that I get to go back to Nashville, TN someday. I didn't really do the whole "tourist" thing but I want to. During the Unstoppable Influence summit I drove from my KOA to the Gaylord Opryland Hotel and did not explore anywhere else. I enjoyed the camaraderie of my UI family and that hotel is HUGE... you really never have to leave it. My favorite session of summit was Joseph Clough, once again (he's the best hypnosist ever). He had us work on our relationship with money. It was interesting, in the trance, that I saw money as children playing on a playground. From my eyes, they were precious...I truly love watching children laugh and play. However, too much screaming is annoying... and money felt annoying to me. What I discovered in the session is that money just wants to play with me, and have fun. I have been working on having more fun... I think I was pretty successful at that this summer.
The Unstoppable Influence summit was so full of so many signs that I'm EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be... doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Now I know that I must go to North Carolina. There's something there to help me. So, I'll head that way after I check out little Nashville. 🤣
Now I know I must get back to my self care routine. Sunday, after eating far too many carbs and sugar all week, I spent the day sleeping because I had a migraine. That's when I was supposed to play tourist. So I saw the pictures of my UI sisters playing - and I was alone. I think that's why the silence was so loud today... it emphasized that aloneness. But...I have never been without companionship... never allowed myself the true quiet that it needs. I can't think of a single day that I haven't had at least one conversation with someone. I didn't even do very good at allowing it today... instead I reached out to other humans to chat. I think I am supposed to have some time to myself... more than a few hours. We'll see if I can handle that a day or two over the next two weeks. We shall see. (If you get a random message from me after you've seen my FB post that I'm going off the grid, know I couldn't handle the loudness of the silence. 🤦)
Now I know that the numbness, the void, is where magic happens and if I listen and look for signs, I get the answers. So, I really REALLY need to shut off the electronics and listen. Maybe tomorrow will be the day... but definitely when I get to NC.
Well, I think I'll start getting back to my sunrise routine. So, I'm going to try to get some sleep. I'll let you know if little Nashville is worth visiting. I can't wait to see it in the daytime.
I love you all. Truly. Although, there are some people I don't like very much. 🤣
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I had a dream that I was traveling all over the world. In less than 6 months, I sold almost everything I own...bought a Toy Hauler (the "garage" is my art studio) and am now living wherever, whenever...just me, my art, and my cats.