July 03rd, 2020
Or perhaps I should count from what was the beginning of my new life...2 years ago today my life changed. I learned the truth and discovered that someone I thought I knew was not who I thought they were. It rattled my foundations. Even though that relationship had been dead for years, it still hurt.
Today, two years later, I woke up with chest pains that took a good portion of the day to stop.
I knew what was going on...I have released the pain and anger... and feelings of worthlessness but, my body still reacted again today. Two years later.
It's interesting that our physical form can do that even if we feel that we have healed.
I'm sure there is still more I need to release. I feel myself building walls, shutting people I love out... it's what I've done all of my life. It's easier to build the wall than it is to open your heart. But I'm trying.
The difference between me now, and the me from two years ago, I recognize what is happening now. I recognize when I am creating that divide and I reach out for help.
I've been working on a lot of heart walls the last few days... thanks to this date on the calendar... I'm sensitive and easily triggered.
I recognize it, I find my center, I find my peace.
I wasn't planning on making it past July 3rd, 2018. I didn't see beyond the pain. I had to get help... there's no way I would have made it alone. Since then, I realized we are never alone... and sometimes the solitude is what you need to recenter and align.
Even if humanity leaves you feeling heartbroken and alone, you can connect with all that is - your higher self, your light team your spirit guides... whatever you want to call the universe that is here with you. They're always there for you. Always there to keep you safe, if you'll listen.
I'm happy to say that - even though today I'm feeling worn out - I am eternally thankful for that pain in 2018. If I hadn't endured it, I wouldn't have uncovered my truth. I wouldn't have found my love. I wouldn't have found me.
We went boating today. Water, has always brought me clarity (which is odd because I feel quite uncomfortable in water - I've had many dreams of drowning - ... but extremely comfortable on or near it). Today might have been a struggle to keep that clarity... but I'm a work in progress...as we all are.
I just hope that I'll be able to continue to remove the triggers and be my best self. There's more I plan to do in this life... and a whole lot more fun to be had.
I am me. That is enough. This moment is all that matters. I know that. If only I can convince my body that it's OK now. That will be when I declare victory over the pain.
Until then, all I can do is do my best. And just keep being true to myself. That's my victory...I love me. I certainly couldn't say that two years ago.
I hope that you know, all of this will be worth it. Just keep going...there's beauty on the other side. I know, I've been there.
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I had a dream that I was traveling all over the world. In less than 6 months, I sold almost everything I own...bought a Toy Hauler (the "garage" is my art studio) and am now living wherever, whenever...just me, my art, and my cats.