Days 114 - 126
Whoa, time flies. It's been a while since I wrote. But the words have been hazy... I'd sit to write and nothing would flow.
Then, of course, I'd start getting on myself because I know that consistency is key with blogs, marketing, all the things.
Yet, I had no words...I guess some would call it a writer's block. I like to call it "the void."
The void is where we have to sit sometimes. Inside the void, there's less clutter in our mind. In the void we are able to connect to ourselves on a higher level.
Inside the void, healing and clarity can be found.
Too many of us resist it.
When we know, deep down, that we should be still ... just be ... and wait, it's very easy to resist. Resistance is where pain, anxiety, depression, and suicidality happens.
Stop resisting! Over the past 10 days, I attended The Top Summit in Naples, FL. While there, I had the opportunity to assist my mentor and coach, Natasha Hazlett. It was three days of high level coaching.
During his keynote, Hal Elrod (the author of The Miracle Morning) said something that will help each and every one of us. You see, he was in a horrific accident and was told he'd never walk again. After waking from his coma and hearing this news, he remained so incredibly positive that his doctors were concerned about his emotional and mental state. They spoke with his parents and asked them to find out how Hal was REALLY feeling.
When told he was behaving very abnormal, (people just aren't this upbeat and optimistic after what happened) he said something along the lines of, "I can't change what happened so why be upset about it." You see, he saw two options:
1. He would work extremely hard to walk again and be successful; or,
2. He would work extremely hard to walk again but end up in a wheelchair.
Either way, he wouldn't be able to change it. So why resist reality.
I spent my whole life, until 2019, resisting. I was resisting living in my truth. I was resisting my own feelings. I was resisting the fact that I was in a 20 year marriage that was more like a business arrangement.
I was miserable. I was suicidal. I saw no reason to keep going... until...
I entered a state of such complete numbness. I had no fear, no feelings of animosity toward those who had turned my world upside down, no more feelings of wanting to die. Instead, I noticed all the beauty and amazingness around (and within) me.
And now, after I thought my world was destroyed (the initial blow was in June of 2018), the void helped me to gain the clarity and peace I needed to see that my life hadn't fallen apart. It simply cleared the garbage so that it could fall together. So that I could find me, my true path, and my true happiness.
I know that I had to go through all the shit of multiple abusive relationships (mental, physical, and emotional) so that I could heal the garbage that had been troubling my soul for ages.
All of it had to be cleared so that I could feel the true joy, true love, and true peace. I now feel as if I am being rewarded for my efforts of healing. I haven't considered exiting this lifetime for almost a year now. April of 2019 is that year mark. I made the decision then that I couldn't change it. I decided I would accept how I felt. I decided I would accept what is real.
Was it easy?
Not always. I still caught (correct that, catch) myself in resistance. The difference is, I now recognize it. I feel the feelings then let them go. I learn from them (sometimes the strangest things cause a reaction that if you listen to your higher self, you'll discover the feeling is a result of something that still needs healing... that it isn't even related to this current circumstance, instead, it's something your soul may have been trying to heal for eons).
The reward on the other side of acceptance will be different for each of us. Mine, I am living a truly magical life. I have found a love that is so true the Universe, Gaia, Spirit, God (whatever you choose to call All That Is) consistently makes magic happen when we are completely in tune with one another. He's my V.I.P. forever, my eternity... and the magic that happens around us confirms it almost every day. The dolphin hanging out with us at sunset, the manatees that were drawn to us, synchronicities so numerous I can't even begin to record them. Most of all, it's the true sense of peace and unending love. That's my reward. Now, I know how amazingly beautiful this life can be.
And when those negative feelings creep up, I can see them for what they are - a spotlight shining on a little bit of the muck that was left behind. Feel it, release it, and ascend to that next level of joy.
As the Borg said in Star Trek "resistance is futile." The universe will keep giving you the same lessons, over and over and over again until you accept what is. Find the lesson buried under the muck. Sit in the void and be still. Meditate, pray, go spend time in nature. It is in the silence thar you will find healing.
Love you all! Have a beautiful, glorious (or void filled) day. Wherever you are in life, there's more amazingness waiting for you. Just keep going!
I had a dream that I was traveling all over the world. In less than 6 months, I sold almost everything I own...bought a Toy Hauler (the "garage" is my art studio) and am now living wherever, whenever...just me, my art, and my cats.