July 08th, 2020
I AM AN UNSTOPPABLE INFLUENCER.
Today, I am thinking about how far I've come. I hit rock bottom because I allowed someone else's opinion affect how I felt about myself.
I did that.
I chose to see their actions, their words, their treatment of me as a reflection of my worth.
I chose to live up to someone else's expectations, to always do what they wanted instead of doing what brings me joy.
I chose to marry a man who I had to walk on eggshells around...a man I knew was going to hurt me (I saw it in his eyes on our first date, I ignored my gut... I'm glad I did because good came out of it all).
And then, I chose to leave.
In my deepest, darkest days I would have checked out of it hadn't been for my guardian angels.
I blamed myself. I turned inward... and then I expanded more than I could have ever imagined.
You see, even though I was miserable with where I was at, I couldn't see any other way. I couldn't see what was beyond the fog I had been existing in all of my life.
Until, I settled into the darkness. I entered the void. The universe had to make me stop in my tracks (thanks to a torn tension in my ankle) and be still ... only in the stillness could I find a way to move forward.
To some, it may have looked like I fell apart.
Perhaps I did. But, it was necessary because all the pieces that were not truly me needed to be broken in order for me to find my truth.
Yes, I tried to make that marriage work... not for me but for my kids. For family. Once again, I was choosing what was important to someone else over what was imperative to my existence.
I did it. It was my choice.
8 months after he devastated my reality... while on a solo spiritual retreat, I realized that I found more peace and joy away from that relationship than when I was near him. It would take several more months (including giving him the engagement ring back on our anniversary and saying "our marriage, what we had, is dead... if you decide you want to be married to me, you can give this back and that will be our new anniversary.") I have him the choice, I had already made mine. I knew I didn't love him.
About a month later, I took that ring back and moved out. April 13th, 2019 was the last day I felt like ending my life. I chose, instead, to stop living a life of lies.
I sit here, thinking about that year... how devastated I was.
How much I did to find myself.
How much I did to find joy.
I did it. All of it. And I'm thankful I was able to push through. I am thankful that I found the Unstoppable Influence within.
Because this life, the one I have right now, is the life of movies... or some might say a fairytale. There is a happily ever after after all.
It's found when you find your truth, and love yourself first. Only then will you find joy, love, peace, clarity, and purpose.
I know why they did what they did... I'm thankful for it. Because it gave me the strength to claim my life.
I am an Unstoppable Influencer... I will choose myself and live my purpose regardless of what anyone expects from me. I came here on purpose, for a purpose. I know my truth. I can show you all the things I did to find my strength and my truth... but it is up to you to find yours.
You make the choice. Each day, your actions affect your tomorrow. Do something today that your future self will thank you for.
This week I think I'm going to kayak the river... go to the mountains... explore and have fun... just get outside because I feel most at peace while in nature (and while I'm painting... I'll be doing that this week too). I will continue to let the universe guide me in all I do.
I love you all. I love myself! I am an Unstoppable Influence... you can be too. I hope you'll choose YOU.
July 03rd, 2020
Or perhaps I should count from what was the beginning of my new life...2 years ago today my life changed. I learned the truth and discovered that someone I thought I knew was not who I thought they were. It rattled my foundations. Even though that relationship had been dead for years, it still hurt.
Today, two years later, I woke up with chest pains that took a good portion of the day to stop.
I knew what was going on...I have released the pain and anger... and feelings of worthlessness but, my body still reacted again today. Two years later.
It's interesting that our physical form can do that even if we feel that we have healed.
I'm sure there is still more I need to release. I feel myself building walls, shutting people I love out... it's what I've done all of my life. It's easier to build the wall than it is to open your heart. But I'm trying.
The difference between me now, and the me from two years ago, I recognize what is happening now. I recognize when I am creating that divide and I reach out for help.
I've been working on a lot of heart walls the last few days... thanks to this date on the calendar... I'm sensitive and easily triggered.
I recognize it, I find my center, I find my peace.
I wasn't planning on making it past July 3rd, 2018. I didn't see beyond the pain. I had to get help... there's no way I would have made it alone. Since then, I realized we are never alone... and sometimes the solitude is what you need to recenter and align.
Even if humanity leaves you feeling heartbroken and alone, you can connect with all that is - your higher self, your light team your spirit guides... whatever you want to call the universe that is here with you. They're always there for you. Always there to keep you safe, if you'll listen.
I'm happy to say that - even though today I'm feeling worn out - I am eternally thankful for that pain in 2018. If I hadn't endured it, I wouldn't have uncovered my truth. I wouldn't have found my love. I wouldn't have found me.
We went boating today. Water, has always brought me clarity (which is odd because I feel quite uncomfortable in water - I've had many dreams of drowning - ... but extremely comfortable on or near it). Today might have been a struggle to keep that clarity... but I'm a work in progress...as we all are.
I just hope that I'll be able to continue to remove the triggers and be my best self. There's more I plan to do in this life... and a whole lot more fun to be had.
I am me. That is enough. This moment is all that matters. I know that. If only I can convince my body that it's OK now. That will be when I declare victory over the pain.
Until then, all I can do is do my best. And just keep being true to myself. That's my victory...I love me. I certainly couldn't say that two years ago.
I hope that you know, all of this will be worth it. Just keep going...there's beauty on the other side. I know, I've been there.
I had a dream that I was traveling all over the world. In less than 6 months, I sold almost everything I own...bought a Toy Hauler (the "garage" is my art studio) and am now living wherever, whenever...just me, my art, and my cats.