Days 230 - 231
Watching the trees over the past few weeks (I am obsessed with trees) this Catalpa in "our" back yard is amazing. It went from no leaves to these giant leaves (and it isn't finished growing) in just a few weeks.
If only we could be like trees. Shedding all the old, with a rush of wind. Releasing the things that cause decay and restrain our growth. Then spring new, crisp, clean, clear ... no expectations except that the sun will shine and we will get the sustenance we need to survive.
I've already had TWO meltdowns this week. Triggered by the past. Tears streaming. I'm hoping that I've dropped the last of those leaves. Perhaps now I have room for the new growth.
It gets frustrating and my poor VIP - Jordan - has to help bring me back to earth - back to what's important ... which is this moment, right now.
It's easy to let our past influence our present BUT if you've made the changes necessary - you've dropped the decaying leaves that would suck the life out of you if you hold on to them- you can move forward with the lessons learned. Release the pain. You don't have to carry it anymore. Release the frustration.
Feel. Process. Release.
The release is what I must not have completed. Hoping I have now. I honestly have nothing to be sad about. My life is amazing. I get to share my space with someone who loves me and SEES me. I have everything I need... food on the table, a roof over my head, money and time to do the things my heart desires and love.
THAT is what I want to focus on. Not the bullshit from the past. I choose to grow.
Each day is a chance for new growth. Will you choose to grow or are you going to hold on to the decay?
I hope you'll grow with me. Much love and light to you! Growth isn't always easy, but it is SO worth it.
Time flies Days 189 - 229
I can't believe it has been so many days since I wrote here. It seems that I have been in the void again. Not much thought, not many words, and not a lot happening.
With the new moon this week, I felt a new sense of urgency for my art business and my book. A book about my story of finding myself, finding my way out of darkness, back into a joyful life. I know it must be written to show others the way.
Yet, I still find myself floating in the void, more days than not. Unable to work. Unable to think. Unable to feel much.
So I have returned to my morning routine of meditation and exercise. Hoping this will bring clarity and focus.
Since returning to Boise almost 2 months have passed. It's funny, I left on 10/10 ... returned on 4/4. Those who know me (or have followed me for a while) know that numbers have a special significance in my life. I receive messages (some might call them synchronicities) through numbers. They've been overwhelmingly abundant since my return. Yet, I've chosen to ignore a lot of them.
Why? I can't say. I know that when we first returned to Boise, I was not at all happy about being back. I was triggered within the first week. Good news though, I was able to feel and release.
But since, I have had many joyful moments. We have gone camping and hiking with friends... walked (and run) the greenbelt numerous times... and finally saw my daughter and son-in-law (and all his family), step-son, grandson, sister, nephew and mom. But I miss my family more being here than when I was traveling. At least, while traveling, I had a good reason for not seeing them. Now, only the rotten COVID keeps me distanced. Seeing my mom, sister and nephew for the first time, over a month after I had returned... and not getting a hug from my mom was difficult.
I know, big deal compared to what some people have experienced with COVID but it was a big deal to me because I hadn't seen her so long. It is what it is though... and I don't want her to be sick. But still. It hurt and I know it hurt her too. We are a family of huggers.
I guess I just don't know how to do this social distancing well around people I love.
Walking the greenbelt the other day, with very few people out (a storm was rolling in) I got to thinking about how this has affected people. Not the sickness itself... the effects of the fear of sickness. I have already seen more judgement instead of grace being passed from others. I have not bought into the fear mongering. For example, I know that wearing a mask only helps if I am the sick one... it keeps me from spreading the disease - if I had an active case of it. So I choose not to wear one because I am not infected. Yet, upon seeing a colleague for the first time since returning - instead of saying hello, good to see you she said "hey lady, where is your mask? " My response "hi, great to see you too!"
There's dis-ease in so many minds because of media. Yes, COVID is serious. Yes, it has killed many in its short time. I am not disputing that. I have friends that have lost loved ones to it.
But, this should be bringing people closer together (not physically of course -6 feet please...I am enjoying my bubble being safe from strangers- but spiritually and emotionally). It should be bringing about more kindness, more community, more grace.
The enlightened see this. They feel it. Are you one who can feel the heightened connectedness? I can see those who don't feel it. They move in fear. They judge and point fingers at people who aren't following in fear.
I know that there's still hope for all of humanity to rise. It may not happen in our current lifetime but this has brought us to a new level and it excites me... and makes me sad at the same time for those who don't get it. But, there's nothing I can do except be me. Be true to my beliefs. And continue to live a life full of love and joy... and adventure.
Perhaps now that I've finally broken my silence on COVID (I didn't want to get into it) I will be able to think and feel again. And maybe it'll bring about more blog posts... or at least FB lives now that I am free from this.
Who knows. I just know I must share so that I can help others. Maybe not you... but someone needs to hear the words that flow through me.
Honestly, as I write these... unless there is a particular event I want to talk about I simply start writing with no idea what will come out. I always wonder (as I am now) if it is making any sense so I re-read it before posting. Usually, I think "wow, that's good stuff." 🤣
For today, I'm merely hoping to get back into the groove. If nothing else, I've released this from my consciousness so that new thoughts can form. I love you all. I hope you have a safe and joyful memorial day. Remember the lives of those lost. Celebrate who they were. And live for them. And if you see me around Boise, say hello! TTFN! Ta Ta For Now
I had a dream that I was traveling all over the world. In less than 6 months, I sold almost everything I own...bought a Toy Hauler (the "garage" is my art studio) and am now living wherever, whenever...just me, my art, and my cats.