September 28th, 2020

Day 385

The winds are changing, can you feel it?

Wind is not fun to pull an RV in. It was crazy windy getting into Utah Friday night, and yesterday's drive heading further south was no better.

We are now dry camping, also known as boondocking, for the next week. That means (for you non rv peeps) that we will run off our own water and power supply. Having to find places to refill water and fuel, and dump our waste. Our home came with a generator, so we'll run that when we need the outlets to work. It'll be the longest that we've gone without hookups. It'll be interesting to see how it goes.

Before leaving civilization, we stopped for an In-N-Out double double... something, I have been told, is a must while in Utah. I had never had In-N-Out before meeting Jordan and I'd been through Utah at least 20 times. 🤣 It is a pretty good burger, I must say.

We'll continue heading south, following warmer weather. I really do not enjoy the cold anymore.

It's been quite windy but thankfully it's not rocking us as we sit parked on an exposed site. It's blowing from the north, hitting our rear end, so we picked the perfect spot this time.

Remember I mentioned I rearranged things in the back (the Words Matter portraits). Well, apparently we took a turn a little fast because, once again, they shifted. Or perhaps the tow strap holding them got knocked loose. Either way, they tipped. They haven't been traveling well in the back of the trailer... but the other option is the back seat of the truck... which means we'd have nowhere for groceries when we get to a store (the bed of the truck is full). So they've been a bit of a problem finding the right spot. I'll be delivering more, or just visiting families who already received one, as we travel over the next year. I am also hoping we'll actually get to participate in some events. We shall see. If not, and we continue the RV life, they may go to storage until we're more stationary. I want to show them though, and share their stories so others can heal.

At our stop in Blue Lake RV park, one of their ads was for a non-profit to end Veteran suicide. The owner of the park said I'd need to talk to the non-profit for details. There are so many out there.

Many who are struggling. Maybe you're one of those. I know, from struggling with suicidal ideation most of my life... that is hard to get those thoughts to stop.

Help is required.

I wasn't able to get out of the loop that everyone would be better off without me. I knew it wasn't true. How selfish suicide is. I knew, in my heart, that it would devastate my loved ones if I chose to exit but my mind wouldn't stop arguing that they'd get over it. And quickly, then they could be happy. Suicide is completely selfish, it takes your pain and transfers it to those who live you.

I knew this. But I couldn't stop without help.I tried everything, it wasn't until I got on medication for a few months that I was able to SEE.

Once the medication shifted my brain chemistry, I found the truth. My truth. I left the last toxic relationship I'll ever have (never again will I allow someone like that in my life) and I found peace. I learned to love myself.

I released all expectations that society and family had placed on me. And all expectations I had places on myself and others.

I learned to just BE.

And now, I am truly free. Living the life that many dream of. Once I loved myself, I finally found love from another... the love that movies are made of.

It all can exist for you too... it may take a chemical shift in your brain... it may take leaving toxic people who fill you with toxic energy... whatever the case may be, YOU have to choose.

Life is truly beautiful on the other side.

I hope you'll choose to live.

If you're thinking of harming yourself to "get back at another"... it doesn't work. Please don't do it. They aren't worth it. You are worth so much more!

If you've lost someone to suicide, my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain every time I complete a portrait of one who was lost. Please listen when I say, there was NOTHING you could have done. A choice was made by your loved one. NO THING, besides them changing their own mind, could have changed what happened. It is a genetic trait... passed through generations of DNA that without the aid of medication and multiple types of therapy, cannot be cured unless the individual makes the choice to live. It's easier to exit.

It's a hard choice to stay... but it's such a beautiful existence on the other side!

I love you all. Please share so that others will hear this message. I know there's many who needed it. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been placed on my heart today.

May you find your truth. And remember, if you choose to exit before your time... you'll have the same shit show again in your next life. It isn't worth it. Find healing now. Reach out if you'd like to hear everything I did to heal. The medication was just the final piece to the puzzle that helped me overcome the desire to leave. Those desires did not return after I stopped taking medication, because I found my truth.