November 29th, 2020

448 Days as a Nomad... or should I say gypsy?

We've been in FL for almost a week now.

Thanksgiving was spent on the beach.

Our RV park had a giant gathering but we thought it'd be safer to stay away from that many people.

You see, we've had the damn virus twice... and if it's true the antibodies leave after 3-6 months in the immuno-compromised then we're definitely in the danger zone again. I'm not sure our lungs could take another round of it.

So, we had a nice quiet day.

Now the rain has arrived and the weather is going to be pretty "crappy" for several days.

It's ok with me, I have work to do.

There's something that's been on my mind a lot lately ... actually, a lot this year. Like I missed something. Missed an opportunity or time is running out.

Not sure why I have been feeling that but it's gotten quite annoying. A gentle ache in my chest that says "hurry up... get that thing done."

My book is close to being ready for my editor...I think. Perhaps it is this.

I keep changing things, rearranging, it doesn't feel finished yet. Maybe it's like some of the paintings I do where I just have to call it done. We'll see. I told her December so... that's nearly here.

Thank goodness for the rain locking me inside so I'll focus.

There's only so much house work you can do when you live in a 29' travel trailer. No distractions inside except technology so we'll see.

I've also had a lot of triggers come up again. Not surprising... the holidays will do that. I think of how much time was wasted in my "past life." Just an opportunity to clear more of the shit from my past... there's a lot of shit from my last relationship.

Looking back, I realize that aside from a few times... it was a completely loveless marriage. More of an arrangement than a relationship. 20 years of just existing. 20 years with someone who made me feel like I wasn't enough. I'm not sure why I allowed it.

Don't do that to yourself.

That's a big weight to carry... an even bigger weight to release.

But the beauty of this life is, we have the ability to be free of our past. Maybe I had to endure that to see what love wasn't? Who knows. I do know that you just have to make a conscious effort to clear away the pain it caused you. And find a way to enjoy this beautiful life.

I have many tools I learned after my ex did what he did. I had to fight to overcome the feeling that everyone would be better off if I were gone.

Laying here, listening to the rain on the roof, it seems like a lifetime ago. It's hard to believe it even happened. Because this life is pure perfection.

If you're struggling, or know someone who is struggling, I am more than happy to share any of the tools with you. The right tool for you is out there. You can find peace.

You can find joy.

I can say, one of the things that helped me was simple...

I played. I went out and did things that made me laugh. I built a snowman. I went sledding. I swung on swings. I jumped in puddles. I rode my bike fast down a hill. All the things I enjoyed as a child...I went out and did them again.

Then, I held on to that feeling.

When was the last time you let your inner child play with careless abandon?

We have played in the ocean (Jordan more than me). If you've read past blogs, you know I'm not all that comfortable IN the water. Thanksgiving day, the waves were huge... one took me under. I swallowed a bunch of ocean. Hmm... not helpful in helping me feel at home in the water. Someday, maybe I'll be comfortable in it. I'll just keep trying. Just keep playing.