April 13th, 2020

Days 179 - 188

We arrived in Boise on 4/4/20. I have yet to see my family - COVID quarantine and all - but we've spent a lot of time with my new family (all the peeps living in the house that's our current home).

Since getting back, we've stayed pretty isolated - there is a stay home order in effect after all. We did take a drive to the mountains - man we both missed the mountains. And we've gone on many walks.

I've had a few things trigger me. For now, I feel like I've worked through them.

If this is the first time you're coming across my blog, a little history for you...

One year ago today I told my husband - of 19 years - I was done. Our marriage had really been more of a business relationship anyway. He isn't a horrible person; but, he was horrible for me. We were faking a loving marriage, probably from the beginning. I finally saw (thanks to some decisions he had made beginning the spring of 2018) that I was in a toxic relationship.

So I moved into my art studio - he remained in the house - for a few months. When he finally moved out, I began prepping the house to sell. With the help of a few friends and my neighbors, we cleared everything out and my sister and I spent hours painting walls... finally selling in September of 2019.

When I left him April 13, 2019, I didn't have a plan. I didn't know what I was going to do. I really didn't know how I'd pay the bills, I just knew that I wouldn't live in a house where I had to walk on eggshells EVER again.

I knew I would never spend my time with someone who looked right through me EVER again.

I knew I would never allow someone to make me feel worthless EVER again.

So, I just kept following my heart and watching for signs that I was on the right path. Boy oh boy did the signs come. Over and over I had confirmation that I was doing the right thing.

I found myself only by losing the image that had become me. The image that was never me. It had to be shattered before I could be free. Yes, it was scary at first but over and over again the universe showed me that I would be better off on my new path.

I played A LOT that first summer. Going out with my sister and friends regularly. I discovered that, even though alcohol had given me problems earlier in my life, I was not dependent on anything or anyone for my happiness. Suddenly, I could have alcohol in my house and not drink myself into oblivion because I was happy. For the first time in my life, I loved the girl in the mirror.

Who knew it would take leaving someone who said he always loved you (but never showed it or really made you feel it) before you'd feel love. I couldn't see how toxic our relationship was, until I got out of the big shadow that was cast over both of us.

I forgave him for his choices. I even thanked him for it. If he hadn't done what he had done, I wouldn't have found my truth or happiness or the love I always yearned for.

And find it, I did. I wasn't even looking because I was about to leave on a big adventure. I sold that 2000+ sq ft house with my 600+ sq ft studio, bought a 350+ sq ft toy hauler (the 93 sq ft garage in the back is my studio - the rest is living space) and was preparing to hit the road. My first destination, Nashville TN in mid-October... after that, no plan. I met this guy before I left, first time in July and then two nights in a row in August we ran into each other (and finally shared phone numbers). Then after 4 weeks of talking, in mid-September I finally accepted his invite.

I had no idea this was the beginning of something beautiful. I look at him - and I smile. For the first time, I am seen... and I feel what love is. From myself, and from him.

I cried when I drove away from him 10/10/19. 188 days ago. I still left after we had such an amazing connection... after all, I had plans to travel.

After less than 1 month apart, he flew across the country and we've been on an adventure together ever since. Living in the toy hauler, with 3 cats, and a desire to LIVE and enjoy every day. Every moment. We exist in BEING.

Because right now is all that matters. This moment. And we are happy. Because we both know that tomorrow isn't guaranteed, our goal is to enjoy every moment. Regardless of where we are. Regardless of whether our plans are interrupted (we were supposed to be in Florida until mid-May but here we are, back in Boise - thanks to COVID 19) we will enjoy every moment... and love one another completely.

I had no idea that, when I made that decision to leave one year ago today, I would finally find love, peace and joy.

I wouldn't change a thing...

One year ago, I had no idea what I was going to do. I didn't know that in a year's time, I would live on the road - in 20 different states ... the best was living in the Florida Keys for almost 2 months.

I had no plans except to live and love completely.

I never imagined living in an RV. I never imagined that the simple things would mean the most. We're back in Boise earlier than planned but, I still wouldn't change a thing.

Today, I realize how lucky I am to have people around me who make me happy just being in their presence. My friends who have been on zoom calls with me say my face lights up when Jordan comes into my view. Looking at him this morning, I realized that his presence makes me happy. Calm. At peace. Nothing else matters. I have never known what that felt like until I met him. Neither one of us was looking for a relationship. But, we were brought together and it has been life changing. And my new family - his family (including the friends that are his family) - bring me joy. They prepped a space for us to park the RV. Including a private dining area for the two of us. My life is beautiful. Simply because I said goodbye to what I knew as normal. Simply because I chose to be true to myself.

If you're in a rough space, all it takes is one decision... maybe just the decision to choose yourself... and who knows where you'll be a year from now.

Just. Keep. Going.

I love my space. I love my life. I wouldn't change a thing.

Love you all. I leave you with one question...

Are you one decision away from your amazing life?